i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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