every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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