I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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