i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
