perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
