It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
