Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
