I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
