I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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