I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
