my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
