dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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