He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
