I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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