dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
