final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
