you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
