Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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