last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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