just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
