How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
