If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
