you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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