Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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