you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
