You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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