Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
