I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
