what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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