Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
