My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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