Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
