Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
