I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
