I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
