If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
