I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
