i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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