I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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