not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm bleeding and have questions
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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