I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
