At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
