member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
