Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
