never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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