I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
