How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
