tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
BRING THE BAGELS
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
