I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
