Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
