She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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