Farmville is her only friend.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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