1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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