just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
